Monday, August 27, 2012
Katrina to Isaac
I originally wrote this August 28th, 2008 an posted to [My Myspace Blog], but seeing as "Isaac" has decided to torment us, and on the anniversary no less, I felt digging it up and reposting it (after a tad of re-editing) might be appropriate.
It's been 3 years tomorrow... Sitting with knuckles white and teeth clinched in the darkness, unknown.
No electricity, no news, no way of knowing the extent to which her might would go.
Not a clue that she would devastate the way she did.
It all seems like yesterday; the fright of that Sunday night, that bled into Monday morning.
Katrina had landed, wielding her mighty hammer and the stroke fell across our entire world, erasing it and wiping clean everything we ever knew.
Home, gone, without a trace... Our lives forever changed.
I just want to say that I know a lot of us are still suffering from mental disorders, mainly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), general and intense bouts of lasting anxiety, nervousness, sadness, depression etc. Some of us are even feeling suicidal still.
I know that tomorrow is an open wound for many and will eventually be replaced by a horrendous scar, but for now, it's still quite the gaping gash that mere words can't even begin to express the degree of sadness to which many of us still feel even today.
It's the kind of sadness that grips us deep into the very tissue of our heart muscle, squeezing, and causing it to skip a beat.
It's the kind of sadness that infects our brains and causes malfunction, like a cancer, it eats at our ability to smile, to get out of bed, to face life ... And to function at all.
We still get lost in memory as we try to remember what life "used" to be, what things "used" to look like, where what "was" and how things "were" etc. And YES, that alone can disable us for minutes, hours, days, weeks or even years... As we wallow in the "past-tense" of our entire worlds.
I cannot expect anyone unaffected by Katrina to understand as my words can't make you know what we feel and live with everyday. But know this, tomorrow is a sad fucking day for A LOT of people. And to those of you who do know what I'm saying , know this: I cry with you, for this is how "I" feel every-fucking-day, so nobody is alone tomorrow.. At the very least, I'm with you.
We survived Katrina, in the medical sense that we are alive .. But for now and forever, we must keep learning how to deal with it and learn to "live" again without the fear crippling us.
Now with Isaac bearing down on us, many of those feelings of fear and hopelessness are returning to the forefronts of our minds. Seven year old scars ripping wide open as we ask: Why? or Again? Of course there are no answers to be had, all we can do is hope for the best. Many people are silently dying on the inside, paralyzed with fear and teetering on the brink of nervous breakdown (or worse!)... Try and keep that in mind as dealing with people may become strenuous these next couple of days.
Maybe this "seven year itch" will be easily scratched and turn out to be a "lucky 7"!
-Sean
Friday, July 27, 2012
Green
Mouth of a demon angel
Find me another Hell
I hear her dead scream
Insane, she smiles back
Her fingernails swallow love
Shards of teeth scrape the sidewalk
Bowing down in a cold dance
To seduce the last dead man
Hypnotize my effervescent pain
I feel the glow of the moon
Creep my suicide freedom
A bloody whore plays as the lover in the garden
To sterilize tomorrow’s inevitable death
Dark psychological illuminations spawn a cowardly king
And he falls away beneath me
Barefoot with a paper laden tongue
I see the infinite swirl
I feel my techno loving dream
I am the desperate love
With dangerous mind
A shotgun junkie needing a fix
I am your lost God, your demon, your lover
Go to Wonderland and kiss ....Alice....
We are all going to die
Smearing purple romance
Bury the corpse of your dreams
You have got Felix The Cat in your eyes
Where are the black leather girls?
I care no more for obscurity in memory
Can you feel my burning scream?
Can you taste tomorrow’s life?
Are you remembering yesterday?
Ask me for forgiveness
Then ask me to die
I am quivering
And filled with chaotic disarray
I could have never been him
Find me another Hell
I hear her dead scream
Insane, she smiles back
Her fingernails swallow love
Shards of teeth scrape the sidewalk
Bowing down in a cold dance
To seduce the last dead man
Hypnotize my effervescent pain
I feel the glow of the moon
Creep my suicide freedom
A bloody whore plays as the lover in the garden
To sterilize tomorrow’s inevitable death
Dark psychological illuminations spawn a cowardly king
And he falls away beneath me
Barefoot with a paper laden tongue
I see the infinite swirl
I feel my techno loving dream
I am the desperate love
With dangerous mind
A shotgun junkie needing a fix
I am your lost God, your demon, your lover
Go to Wonderland and kiss ....Alice....
We are all going to die
Smearing purple romance
Bury the corpse of your dreams
You have got Felix The Cat in your eyes
Where are the black leather girls?
I care no more for obscurity in memory
Can you feel my burning scream?
Can you taste tomorrow’s life?
Are you remembering yesterday?
Ask me for forgiveness
Then ask me to die
I am quivering
And filled with chaotic disarray
I could have never been him
©1996_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
These Days Passing By Without You
Twisted redemption inside plastic baggYs
An exceptional way to spend time has declined
That feeling in your gut Christmas morning if you actually got nothing
A loss without definition or purpose, it's life just passing by
Loose lips warp what used to feel so good, so pure
Now a certain sense of tension seems to linger- hovering, infecting, affecting
As if lying to myself or to you would have been a better option
Fingers that painfully remain still, trying to not give in
But still, these days pass without you- seemingly senseless and painful
Confused and completely aware in my own chaotic mixture of reality and will
An ear to the ground can give a glimpse into just how far ahead or behind I really am
Hollow and empty these days passing by have become, without you
Minutes bleed into hours that fade into days that bleach into weeks
And so lingers the pain of knowing these days are the ones passing by without you
©2008_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
An exceptional way to spend time has declined
That feeling in your gut Christmas morning if you actually got nothing
A loss without definition or purpose, it's life just passing by
Loose lips warp what used to feel so good, so pure
Now a certain sense of tension seems to linger- hovering, infecting, affecting
As if lying to myself or to you would have been a better option
Fingers that painfully remain still, trying to not give in
But still, these days pass without you- seemingly senseless and painful
Confused and completely aware in my own chaotic mixture of reality and will
An ear to the ground can give a glimpse into just how far ahead or behind I really am
Hollow and empty these days passing by have become, without you
Minutes bleed into hours that fade into days that bleach into weeks
And so lingers the pain of knowing these days are the ones passing by without you
©2008_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
$75M lawsuit claims IP Casino let man drink to death.
$75M lawsuit claims IP Casino let man drink to death.
Link to Story
Link to Story
Personally, I think the man himself was in a MUCH better position to make the call as to when he had enough. It's not the casino's fault somebody doesn't know their own limits. I find it pathetic that anyone would blame, or even worse, sue someone for somebody else's lack of self awareness and sense of self.
Besides, how is the casino responsible if someone is on/taking medication and should full well know better whether or not they should be drinking on top of the meds. Does anybody ever inform their bartender of a detailed list of what meds and other substances they are on so the bartender can pretend to be a doctor or pharmacist and dole out drinks accordingly?
People today have such a need to blame others and abscond themselves of any and all responsibility for anything they do.
Besides, how is the casino responsible if someone is on/taking medication and should full well know better whether or not they should be drinking on top of the meds. Does anybody ever inform their bartender of a detailed list of what meds and other substances they are on so the bartender can pretend to be a doctor or pharmacist and dole out drinks accordingly?
People today have such a need to blame others and abscond themselves of any and all responsibility for anything they do.
©2012_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
Cancer Of The Personality
Time bleeding on into oblivion, laughing all the way
Bad decisions, their consequences and the end result
Breeding a new sense of madness, a bad aftertaste
Dead girls are playing merrily outside my door, I ignore
More end results of somebody’s bad decisions
This dysfunction that entombs my thought processes
Is the same one that’s handed down year after year
Never finding it in one’s self to ever face themselves
And the personal betrayal you must always answer to yourself for
It’s a disease enabling every fault within one’s self to be magnified within one’s self
Amplifying each other and every other flaw in character
Like cancer of the personality, seems deadly enough
Sickening words fly from malignant tongues
And the disease spreads throughout
Enter the realization of this death bred of dysfunction
Then the tears will seem to fall more freely
Unable to ever overcome these shortcomings
Never getting past all these doubts and fears
Insecurity, jealousy, anger and the instability to tell the truth, ever, all seem ok today
Feel the blistered mind that tries to understand that
Ignorance in this silly folly can be catastrophic
Yet nobody ever seems to have the slightest clue
Am I the only one that harbors any pain of such?
Crippling are these dysfunctional realizations
A pattern set forth, I purposely avoid
Intending to be better, to be set free
I want out of this dysfunctional isolation
Yet seems my very effort is my demise and another dysfunction in itself
My ecstasy becomes my misery
That foot I keep planted firmly on the ground is floating away
And I’m no longer completely sure of the last whereabouts of my mind- lost?
Or held captive by an involuntary manifestation holding on for dear life
As if it knows its time is up again
It simply cannot be allowed to remain
No longer in the presence of victims
No longer can it hurt or control
Nor can it breed anymore situations laden with regret
Staring blindly into the Sun like a fool
Ask him why, he’ll say it’s soothing
Can dysfunction ever become madness?
Or has it already?
©2007_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
Bad decisions, their consequences and the end result
Breeding a new sense of madness, a bad aftertaste
Dead girls are playing merrily outside my door, I ignore
More end results of somebody’s bad decisions
This dysfunction that entombs my thought processes
Is the same one that’s handed down year after year
Never finding it in one’s self to ever face themselves
And the personal betrayal you must always answer to yourself for
It’s a disease enabling every fault within one’s self to be magnified within one’s self
Amplifying each other and every other flaw in character
Like cancer of the personality, seems deadly enough
Sickening words fly from malignant tongues
And the disease spreads throughout
Enter the realization of this death bred of dysfunction
Then the tears will seem to fall more freely
Unable to ever overcome these shortcomings
Never getting past all these doubts and fears
Insecurity, jealousy, anger and the instability to tell the truth, ever, all seem ok today
Feel the blistered mind that tries to understand that
Ignorance in this silly folly can be catastrophic
Yet nobody ever seems to have the slightest clue
Am I the only one that harbors any pain of such?
Crippling are these dysfunctional realizations
A pattern set forth, I purposely avoid
Intending to be better, to be set free
I want out of this dysfunctional isolation
Yet seems my very effort is my demise and another dysfunction in itself
My ecstasy becomes my misery
That foot I keep planted firmly on the ground is floating away
And I’m no longer completely sure of the last whereabouts of my mind- lost?
Or held captive by an involuntary manifestation holding on for dear life
As if it knows its time is up again
It simply cannot be allowed to remain
No longer in the presence of victims
No longer can it hurt or control
Nor can it breed anymore situations laden with regret
Staring blindly into the Sun like a fool
Ask him why, he’ll say it’s soothing
Can dysfunction ever become madness?
Or has it already?
©2007_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
Malignant Salutations
I won't ever let go, no not me, I can't let go…
Been singing for too long this sweet sorrow, melancholy rendition of a life lost
Twisted and bitter, remember= scars, remember= tattoos, remember...
Life seems slipping some times, sliding at others, being reduced regardless
Shallow and extroverted thoughts bleeding, breeding, burning through the satin wonderland
Why is it that no matter what, all the books end the same? Malignant salutations
Self inflicted infection, twinkling dissection... Scalpel gleaming at Achilles
I took a sip just to taste, I tasted just to feel the burn in my heart, why is she laughing at me now?
A sweet breath of fresh air glides her beautiful lips, I sigh, cry, ask why, unable to deny
I reach out to her with an unbiased and open hand; I grasp her hand in mine
Knuckles white and fears red, she stays burned into my mind, I always see her
Life stands dripping, melting from my fingertips.. I feel the loss of her smile
In these ever changing days we lose our sanity held so dear for so many years, children at play
Crosses hung in high hopes, please protect us Lord, we pray to you for a lack of pain on Earth
Yet we still wallow in this ever agonizing state of self abandonment, emotional spiral
Sometimes I feel as if I am the filth beneath her fingernails, unsightly, unwanted, dirty, removed
A much taken for granted and simple request never answered. Feelings of no worth, waste
Intermittent bouts with emotional paralysis, the day she said I love you is the day she vanished
Thrill brings warped wants out from hiding, evil little creatures of desire, craving chaos
Insipid demise, grants me my so boring death, grant me my sobering death, set me free
So far I am confused and truly have no clue where the day ended and the night began
The moon rests, hanging easy amongst the burn-outs to be... a childlike grin, demon like snarl
Where the Hell is everybody? Where did I lose myself and everybody else?
The ashtray is full an my head is on fire, aches to name the day by, start the damn car
Severed dementia engulfs my every free moment (solemn bow to the overly-depressed)
Interesting looks on interesting faces, are they staring? Why? I have nothing to show them
Empty arms across an empty chest, lay worthless across naked breast; never will I be the best
The leaves changing, turnings, the blessing of the seasons, throw away all these silly old leaves
Ever doubt in my life's mistaken identity plea, maybe switch to insanity? How can I win?
Wretched thoughts need be doomed; I wish to erase the vile, inward persecutions- white light
White like snow, white like heat, white like a horse, white like the demon, white across glass
Echo songs of a pleasant memory, sweet nostalgia in an effervescent and floating kinda buzz
Silly boys and silly toys, these girls have run them off… cooties can make you lose friends
When I kissed you the first time, was it better? Was I better? Were you better? Were we better?
These constant malignant salutations, always telling me bye, always feeling to sigh, but why?
A sweet breath of fresh air glides her beautiful lips, I sigh, understand why, and live to deny
I don't think anything ever made any sense, yet I still play along, foolish lil white lie…
Or is it the "butterfly effect"?, ever seeming that one small word or gesture can ripple the world
They say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", yet Hell hath no pain like a broken heart
Unless Hell will be as it is on Earth, and I'm forced to feel that pain constant, forever, now
Fleeting through tired cells of disillusion and of self abandonment, the lines are fading
Look out at me through the glass, as I shall watch you through the snow, together, so far
Cracks rest easy across the sidewalks and pavement, a shallow pothole is filling with rain
I can't see tomorrow, and I seem to have lost today, please don't ask me about yesterday
The room is getting smaller and there is no more door, yet, my eyes see freedom?
What kind of ridiculous interpretation could this possibly be? Emotional suicide, die, dead
My severed dementia engulfs my every free moment (solemn bow to the overly-depressed)
Enveloping simple yet catastrophic little letters all arranged nicely, thinking again? Too much
Invasions in my mind, intruders that eat everything in the fridge… houseguests in my head
I pulled the drain stopper and my brain went spiraling out of my ear, ahhhh… silence!
There used to be beer cans & whiskey bottles banging around in my head, telling me what to do
Seems like most people, why wouldn't they just shut up?
Visions fade, as do these scars, as do these memories, as does this body and mind... Love left
Some things can't fade, and won't... just linger to keep us shackled, even more so insane, biting
Twisted realities and deceptive words, sinister plots to omit the necessary and to fool the hearts
Some see sickness feeding, others are feeding the sick, and some just don't matter
Axes in my skull, thoughts, splitting and painful… give me pills, and maybe she'll go away
Maybe I want her to stay, emotional suicide trip once again... time to feed the stupidity
Interstate miles stretch like my mind, not enough butter for too much bread
Hollow cries and misfit eyes even still my dying lies, I am blind
Simply mistaken again, I have presented myself with another royal fuck up, bliss, remorse
Ever changing these vicious cycles of love and lust, the search for the other half, rejection close
Slipping down the icy steps I fall into the cold hard street, its beginning to snow again
She sits looking at me through the window, as I sit bored in the snow looking back
I just want to feel yesterday, the yesterday of my choice, take today an keep it, I am done
I want that warmth and security, the feeling of "it'll all be ok"
I want that feeling of knowing somebody loves me and would die or kill for me, not worthy
Never-ending stretch of desert highway, and the likeness of all my attempts at peace
Seems I won't ever get ahead, not this time, not this race, this game just ain't for me
Somehow, I must have lost the game before I began, I don't remember messing up, just the loss
Stained and jaded, I don't see her through that window much anymore, moved on…..
In the snow alone now, nobody to look at while bored in the street, now I really feel alone, lonely
Twisted realities and deceptive words, seems everybody wants to hide something important
Simple infatuations spawn decade long battles, some fight for love, some fight to fight, some die
I feel like yesterday's train wreck, tracks all sideways and cars everywhere.. Twisted metal
The sun would have more beauty if it didn't represent the loss of my dreams, a new day to face
Here we go again, another day to survive and thrive through, why? For who? Me? Why?
Can you please find me a reason to wake up? I have a wake up call, but nothing to do, just live
Ecstasy rests in obsolete and trivial things, what matters most is what I can't see, hidden
The day they took the fun away, I was late and didn't get any... Now it's hidden and I'm stuck
I try to make my own fun, but its forever taken away, usually for no reason I know
Sunken cheeks and hollow eyes, I think I was awake too long that day, nothing makes sense
I go over it all in my head again and again but can make no sense of any of it, distraught
Chipping at destiny, I try to inch closer to what I am not supposed to have, determination
Just as times before, I will chip away and fall short at some point, nothing is ever good enough
But try and try again, my effort has not faltered, just my very being I guess, unworthy
Things that I see people take for granted seems to just make me sick, ingrates that "expect"
Yet one willing to fight and try always falls short, no prize, no pat on the back, no, nothing
In my punishment I find my pain, if I could go out and play, the pain would go away
Every time I try, she leaves, and I am alone to be by myself and remember what she last said
Everything inside of me has a piece that's missing, so many voids and misconceived souls
The sky is blackening and my mind clouding once again, mysterious and vague
I feel like forever waiting for tomorrow to get here, but can't get past yesterday
When was today? I don't even remember waking up, or am I still dreaming? Nightmare
Falling headlong into an abyss with no name, I would look back if I had any sense
No luck there, headfirst like a child that just learned to dive for the first time, sloppy
All these visions I see, scenes of you, these pictures in my mind's eyes, sweet lullabies
I see intertwined and melancholy images of a bitter sorrow that swallows, eats me whole
I ask incessantly, and with vigor I am denied, as a child that knows better than to even ask
No longer these enigmatic silhouettes of despair, mannequins of glee, and statues of regret
Sadly singing sweet sister seeing certain self satisfaction, suffering, sinister, sly, and slanted
So many forked tongues graze olive oiled words, slippery silken words of hate, sweet abuse
Every time I lie, she knows and she laughs, the upper hand, woman, all seeing and sensitive
The woman always knows, men and their ridiculous fibs, trust? Chipping away at it daily
She sees through the lie and uncovers the ace of spades, trumped again, I must admit
Breaking the cycle seems so unimaginably difficult, strength and discipline.. I must change
In this change must bring a new me, I must not perpetuate the sickness beyond its own years
The sickening chain must break and lose a link in me, where I will hold it until I die
I refuse to be the enabler of the next generation, my next generation, my unborn child
Love without pain, silly, pain without love, a waste of time, love and pain play hand in hand
Waves come crashing up against the sand, a whistle in the wind, sometimes I hear her voice
An echo of life's long lost past, the foreshadow of the days to come, lost in another daydream
I stare up at the stars and ask the sky why, why does the night never bring the next day I need?
Next day sure, not the one I need and been needing to let me bask in that sun would be eternal
Again I am faced with the fact that a dream is a dream, and I must wake to face this next day
Wasn't I dead last decade? Do I have to be dead through this one too? Or will I die in it?
Thinning hair and whiskers that grow in much faster, seems a reversal of growth, death creeps
These tattoos and scars keep up the banter while the bottles dry up and near their tragic end
Miles and miles this distance is defining, ever changing and never giving, strict obstacles
Malignant salutations penetrate my slumbered mind; does she always have to let it end like this?
Every time I see her face, a breath of fresh air glides across the plump satin of her lips, perfection
Beauty in the eye of the beholder leaves no room for anyone else's opinion, and that's fine
Swimming through rivers of drunken rationalizations and bar room epiphanies
The lights are burning out all across town and the streets are empty tonight again
City sleeps, while I sit awake wishing I had the same sleep meds as everybody else
I think I need to put my hand in a blender, I forgot if I could feel anything or know anything
For whatever reason I feel the need to continue sitting here, blatant defiance of my need for sleep
Instead my brain pours out onto the monitor like the batter into the irons at waffle house
Pushed to the ground in a fit of senseless rage, the beginning of "Fight Club" so it seems
These old women sit perched on park benches, maddening, swirls of bread an flocks of pigeons
Feathers and droppings mask the odor of old lady perfume that sits hazing collectively
I don't think I need a reason to feel, just a feeling to reason, emotional paralysis and tired eyes
Self justifiable sense of ever strengthening emotional existence, someone is mind-fucking me
I have not taken a deep breath in over a week, my thoughts a single disappearing track, nowhere
A single track with a million stops, where do I get off? Am I even supposed to get off?
Staring out the window, miles melt into mountains, track never ending, nowhere
Today's masquerade seem s a bit pointless, money wasted hiding behind the mask
That same mask that I wore last year, and the year before, such a lack of variety, bland
My tickets in my hand and a big smile on my face, knowing I am ready to depart, anxious
Who knew the tickets had the wrong time mistakenly printed and I would miss the train?
Stranded next to that never ending track, despair and disarray, desolate and drunken
When the phone rings I must have a good lie prepared, cover my tracks well, stranded
Cover these tracks? How? Sounds like shoveling sand with a spade to build an Atlantic island
Yet I remember a time that not only did I breathe, but I smiled AND was happy, innocent youth
Footprints in the sand, fingerprints on everything I do leaving a trail to follow me down my track
That track that I can't begin to cover, my Atlantic island of a track, stranded next to it, drunken
My unimaginably ridiculous conclusions I come to sometimes just kill me, and relations
The hangover like result of a thinking problem, the loss of love, watching her walk away, mad
I would do anything to be understood as clear as my derangement elegantly displays in my head
Misinterpretations breed resentment and despair, confused partners and unanswered questions
Ever amassing amounts of what we call concern, ever amassing amounts of what we call worry
Ever amassing amounts of what we call doubt, ever amassing amounts of what I call fear
This unattainable chance at greatness, fall short yet again, not for lack of effort or desire
Maybe the folly as a result of being in a state of too much passion, too much drive, need
My lust makes me weak, weak and dumb, a baby's drool drowning the chin, need a pacifier
I see these zombies lining up down my street in single file, order and uniform, standing dead
Robots of the evil minds that plot the turns in fate for the greater good of common man
At least that's what I believe since I just watched the news and the media never lies, love me
Catapulted headlong into a fiery and distant unknown, blazing ignorance upon every forehead
I am always lost, infinitely clueless as to where I am going, misguided forward thrust
If I crawl across the blood strewn highway an make it to the other side, will I be safe?
The biggest question I seem to have is why? Why? Why? … I don't even care how, just why?
When tends to bug me as well, but why simply haunts me, and I want to let go
I cannot feel forever in my hand anymore, fingers numb, rendition of carpal tunnel syndrome
My mind numb like my fingers, I can no longer imagine forever, losing memory of it
My chest aches, I wish the dank was stronger or I had more, anxiety knocking at the door
Walls melting and spiraling away into nothing, black, faded……… blink, light, see
I opened my eyes to see hers looking back, I think I just felt forever again, welcome back
I don't think forever did ever rest within my hand or mind, or even her for that matter
Links lay twisted and pried, malignant salutations and the love of the past
I ran into forever and forgot my own heart back at the depot, scared child, lost alone
Tomorrow floats the breeze before me and I glance across my shoulder, look back one last time
Technicolor bleeds and dies into sepia tones and yesterday closes like the lens shutter on a 35mm
Cigarette burned out, smoke fading like the knowledge of it all, of anything, of nothing
©2007_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
Been singing for too long this sweet sorrow, melancholy rendition of a life lost
Twisted and bitter, remember= scars, remember= tattoos, remember...
Life seems slipping some times, sliding at others, being reduced regardless
Shallow and extroverted thoughts bleeding, breeding, burning through the satin wonderland
Why is it that no matter what, all the books end the same? Malignant salutations
Self inflicted infection, twinkling dissection... Scalpel gleaming at Achilles
I took a sip just to taste, I tasted just to feel the burn in my heart, why is she laughing at me now?
A sweet breath of fresh air glides her beautiful lips, I sigh, cry, ask why, unable to deny
I reach out to her with an unbiased and open hand; I grasp her hand in mine
Knuckles white and fears red, she stays burned into my mind, I always see her
Life stands dripping, melting from my fingertips.. I feel the loss of her smile
In these ever changing days we lose our sanity held so dear for so many years, children at play
Crosses hung in high hopes, please protect us Lord, we pray to you for a lack of pain on Earth
Yet we still wallow in this ever agonizing state of self abandonment, emotional spiral
Sometimes I feel as if I am the filth beneath her fingernails, unsightly, unwanted, dirty, removed
A much taken for granted and simple request never answered. Feelings of no worth, waste
Intermittent bouts with emotional paralysis, the day she said I love you is the day she vanished
Thrill brings warped wants out from hiding, evil little creatures of desire, craving chaos
Insipid demise, grants me my so boring death, grant me my sobering death, set me free
So far I am confused and truly have no clue where the day ended and the night began
The moon rests, hanging easy amongst the burn-outs to be... a childlike grin, demon like snarl
Where the Hell is everybody? Where did I lose myself and everybody else?
The ashtray is full an my head is on fire, aches to name the day by, start the damn car
Severed dementia engulfs my every free moment (solemn bow to the overly-depressed)
Interesting looks on interesting faces, are they staring? Why? I have nothing to show them
Empty arms across an empty chest, lay worthless across naked breast; never will I be the best
The leaves changing, turnings, the blessing of the seasons, throw away all these silly old leaves
Ever doubt in my life's mistaken identity plea, maybe switch to insanity? How can I win?
Wretched thoughts need be doomed; I wish to erase the vile, inward persecutions- white light
White like snow, white like heat, white like a horse, white like the demon, white across glass
Echo songs of a pleasant memory, sweet nostalgia in an effervescent and floating kinda buzz
Silly boys and silly toys, these girls have run them off… cooties can make you lose friends
When I kissed you the first time, was it better? Was I better? Were you better? Were we better?
These constant malignant salutations, always telling me bye, always feeling to sigh, but why?
A sweet breath of fresh air glides her beautiful lips, I sigh, understand why, and live to deny
I don't think anything ever made any sense, yet I still play along, foolish lil white lie…
Or is it the "butterfly effect"?, ever seeming that one small word or gesture can ripple the world
They say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", yet Hell hath no pain like a broken heart
Unless Hell will be as it is on Earth, and I'm forced to feel that pain constant, forever, now
Fleeting through tired cells of disillusion and of self abandonment, the lines are fading
Look out at me through the glass, as I shall watch you through the snow, together, so far
Cracks rest easy across the sidewalks and pavement, a shallow pothole is filling with rain
I can't see tomorrow, and I seem to have lost today, please don't ask me about yesterday
The room is getting smaller and there is no more door, yet, my eyes see freedom?
What kind of ridiculous interpretation could this possibly be? Emotional suicide, die, dead
My severed dementia engulfs my every free moment (solemn bow to the overly-depressed)
Enveloping simple yet catastrophic little letters all arranged nicely, thinking again? Too much
Invasions in my mind, intruders that eat everything in the fridge… houseguests in my head
I pulled the drain stopper and my brain went spiraling out of my ear, ahhhh… silence!
There used to be beer cans & whiskey bottles banging around in my head, telling me what to do
Seems like most people, why wouldn't they just shut up?
Visions fade, as do these scars, as do these memories, as does this body and mind... Love left
Some things can't fade, and won't... just linger to keep us shackled, even more so insane, biting
Twisted realities and deceptive words, sinister plots to omit the necessary and to fool the hearts
Some see sickness feeding, others are feeding the sick, and some just don't matter
Axes in my skull, thoughts, splitting and painful… give me pills, and maybe she'll go away
Maybe I want her to stay, emotional suicide trip once again... time to feed the stupidity
Interstate miles stretch like my mind, not enough butter for too much bread
Hollow cries and misfit eyes even still my dying lies, I am blind
Simply mistaken again, I have presented myself with another royal fuck up, bliss, remorse
Ever changing these vicious cycles of love and lust, the search for the other half, rejection close
Slipping down the icy steps I fall into the cold hard street, its beginning to snow again
She sits looking at me through the window, as I sit bored in the snow looking back
I just want to feel yesterday, the yesterday of my choice, take today an keep it, I am done
I want that warmth and security, the feeling of "it'll all be ok"
I want that feeling of knowing somebody loves me and would die or kill for me, not worthy
Never-ending stretch of desert highway, and the likeness of all my attempts at peace
Seems I won't ever get ahead, not this time, not this race, this game just ain't for me
Somehow, I must have lost the game before I began, I don't remember messing up, just the loss
Stained and jaded, I don't see her through that window much anymore, moved on…..
In the snow alone now, nobody to look at while bored in the street, now I really feel alone, lonely
Twisted realities and deceptive words, seems everybody wants to hide something important
Simple infatuations spawn decade long battles, some fight for love, some fight to fight, some die
I feel like yesterday's train wreck, tracks all sideways and cars everywhere.. Twisted metal
The sun would have more beauty if it didn't represent the loss of my dreams, a new day to face
Here we go again, another day to survive and thrive through, why? For who? Me? Why?
Can you please find me a reason to wake up? I have a wake up call, but nothing to do, just live
Ecstasy rests in obsolete and trivial things, what matters most is what I can't see, hidden
The day they took the fun away, I was late and didn't get any... Now it's hidden and I'm stuck
I try to make my own fun, but its forever taken away, usually for no reason I know
Sunken cheeks and hollow eyes, I think I was awake too long that day, nothing makes sense
I go over it all in my head again and again but can make no sense of any of it, distraught
Chipping at destiny, I try to inch closer to what I am not supposed to have, determination
Just as times before, I will chip away and fall short at some point, nothing is ever good enough
But try and try again, my effort has not faltered, just my very being I guess, unworthy
Things that I see people take for granted seems to just make me sick, ingrates that "expect"
Yet one willing to fight and try always falls short, no prize, no pat on the back, no, nothing
In my punishment I find my pain, if I could go out and play, the pain would go away
Every time I try, she leaves, and I am alone to be by myself and remember what she last said
Everything inside of me has a piece that's missing, so many voids and misconceived souls
The sky is blackening and my mind clouding once again, mysterious and vague
I feel like forever waiting for tomorrow to get here, but can't get past yesterday
When was today? I don't even remember waking up, or am I still dreaming? Nightmare
Falling headlong into an abyss with no name, I would look back if I had any sense
No luck there, headfirst like a child that just learned to dive for the first time, sloppy
All these visions I see, scenes of you, these pictures in my mind's eyes, sweet lullabies
I see intertwined and melancholy images of a bitter sorrow that swallows, eats me whole
I ask incessantly, and with vigor I am denied, as a child that knows better than to even ask
No longer these enigmatic silhouettes of despair, mannequins of glee, and statues of regret
Sadly singing sweet sister seeing certain self satisfaction, suffering, sinister, sly, and slanted
So many forked tongues graze olive oiled words, slippery silken words of hate, sweet abuse
Every time I lie, she knows and she laughs, the upper hand, woman, all seeing and sensitive
The woman always knows, men and their ridiculous fibs, trust? Chipping away at it daily
She sees through the lie and uncovers the ace of spades, trumped again, I must admit
Breaking the cycle seems so unimaginably difficult, strength and discipline.. I must change
In this change must bring a new me, I must not perpetuate the sickness beyond its own years
The sickening chain must break and lose a link in me, where I will hold it until I die
I refuse to be the enabler of the next generation, my next generation, my unborn child
Love without pain, silly, pain without love, a waste of time, love and pain play hand in hand
Waves come crashing up against the sand, a whistle in the wind, sometimes I hear her voice
An echo of life's long lost past, the foreshadow of the days to come, lost in another daydream
I stare up at the stars and ask the sky why, why does the night never bring the next day I need?
Next day sure, not the one I need and been needing to let me bask in that sun would be eternal
Again I am faced with the fact that a dream is a dream, and I must wake to face this next day
Wasn't I dead last decade? Do I have to be dead through this one too? Or will I die in it?
Thinning hair and whiskers that grow in much faster, seems a reversal of growth, death creeps
These tattoos and scars keep up the banter while the bottles dry up and near their tragic end
Miles and miles this distance is defining, ever changing and never giving, strict obstacles
Malignant salutations penetrate my slumbered mind; does she always have to let it end like this?
Every time I see her face, a breath of fresh air glides across the plump satin of her lips, perfection
Beauty in the eye of the beholder leaves no room for anyone else's opinion, and that's fine
Swimming through rivers of drunken rationalizations and bar room epiphanies
The lights are burning out all across town and the streets are empty tonight again
City sleeps, while I sit awake wishing I had the same sleep meds as everybody else
I think I need to put my hand in a blender, I forgot if I could feel anything or know anything
For whatever reason I feel the need to continue sitting here, blatant defiance of my need for sleep
Instead my brain pours out onto the monitor like the batter into the irons at waffle house
Pushed to the ground in a fit of senseless rage, the beginning of "Fight Club" so it seems
These old women sit perched on park benches, maddening, swirls of bread an flocks of pigeons
Feathers and droppings mask the odor of old lady perfume that sits hazing collectively
I don't think I need a reason to feel, just a feeling to reason, emotional paralysis and tired eyes
Self justifiable sense of ever strengthening emotional existence, someone is mind-fucking me
I have not taken a deep breath in over a week, my thoughts a single disappearing track, nowhere
A single track with a million stops, where do I get off? Am I even supposed to get off?
Staring out the window, miles melt into mountains, track never ending, nowhere
Today's masquerade seem s a bit pointless, money wasted hiding behind the mask
That same mask that I wore last year, and the year before, such a lack of variety, bland
My tickets in my hand and a big smile on my face, knowing I am ready to depart, anxious
Who knew the tickets had the wrong time mistakenly printed and I would miss the train?
Stranded next to that never ending track, despair and disarray, desolate and drunken
When the phone rings I must have a good lie prepared, cover my tracks well, stranded
Cover these tracks? How? Sounds like shoveling sand with a spade to build an Atlantic island
Yet I remember a time that not only did I breathe, but I smiled AND was happy, innocent youth
Footprints in the sand, fingerprints on everything I do leaving a trail to follow me down my track
That track that I can't begin to cover, my Atlantic island of a track, stranded next to it, drunken
My unimaginably ridiculous conclusions I come to sometimes just kill me, and relations
The hangover like result of a thinking problem, the loss of love, watching her walk away, mad
I would do anything to be understood as clear as my derangement elegantly displays in my head
Misinterpretations breed resentment and despair, confused partners and unanswered questions
Ever amassing amounts of what we call concern, ever amassing amounts of what we call worry
Ever amassing amounts of what we call doubt, ever amassing amounts of what I call fear
This unattainable chance at greatness, fall short yet again, not for lack of effort or desire
Maybe the folly as a result of being in a state of too much passion, too much drive, need
My lust makes me weak, weak and dumb, a baby's drool drowning the chin, need a pacifier
I see these zombies lining up down my street in single file, order and uniform, standing dead
Robots of the evil minds that plot the turns in fate for the greater good of common man
At least that's what I believe since I just watched the news and the media never lies, love me
Catapulted headlong into a fiery and distant unknown, blazing ignorance upon every forehead
I am always lost, infinitely clueless as to where I am going, misguided forward thrust
If I crawl across the blood strewn highway an make it to the other side, will I be safe?
The biggest question I seem to have is why? Why? Why? … I don't even care how, just why?
When tends to bug me as well, but why simply haunts me, and I want to let go
I cannot feel forever in my hand anymore, fingers numb, rendition of carpal tunnel syndrome
My mind numb like my fingers, I can no longer imagine forever, losing memory of it
My chest aches, I wish the dank was stronger or I had more, anxiety knocking at the door
Walls melting and spiraling away into nothing, black, faded……… blink, light, see
I opened my eyes to see hers looking back, I think I just felt forever again, welcome back
I don't think forever did ever rest within my hand or mind, or even her for that matter
Links lay twisted and pried, malignant salutations and the love of the past
I ran into forever and forgot my own heart back at the depot, scared child, lost alone
Tomorrow floats the breeze before me and I glance across my shoulder, look back one last time
Technicolor bleeds and dies into sepia tones and yesterday closes like the lens shutter on a 35mm
Cigarette burned out, smoke fading like the knowledge of it all, of anything, of nothing
©2007_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
In A Bar One Night, There Was A Match Made In Heaven
The devil is wearing blue jeans
There are footprints in the blood
Shards of glass crunch beneath the cheek to cheeks.
"Can I bum a light?"
"Thanks, my name is Lonely."
"Your welcome, my name is Broken Hearted."
"Would you like a drink?"
"Sure."
"What'll it be?"
"Whatever you're having."
"Bartender, I need 2 Cuervos and 2 High Lifes."
"Thank you."
"Anytime."
"Come here often?"
"No, just when I'm Lonely."
"Really, do you have any other names?"
"Yeah, Miserable."
"Wow, my other name is Desperate."
"Will you be Desperate tonight?"
"Not if you are Miserable."
"Nope, just Lonely."
"Well, I just may be Desperate."
A buzz in the lights, a buzz in my brain.
A hum in the juke, a hum on my lips.
Why can't she love miserable?
Why does the chick behind the bar keep winking at me?
Maybe she wants me to go home with her,
Or she probably has something in her eye.
"Well, I'll drink to that."
"Cheers, here's to us, Lonely and Desperate."
©1996_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
My PC Was Sick and DSD Fixed It! (just a 'thank you')
I recently had some PC issues and I'd like to formally thank the people that saved my baby (FULLY loaded Dell XPS15-L502X).
Anyway, here goes. My PC came with 'McAfee Total Protection' Security Center antivirus but after realizing I had acquired a problem (virus) in spite of said protection, I figured it to be best if I found a better product.
Through much research, I decided on going with 'Kaspersky Pure'. I must admit, the Kaspersky product was by far superior to the McAfee and removed a plethora of unwanted malware etc, but I soon discovered that it too had failed to completely resolve/remove my issue being it was still freezing up and giving me blue screen at times.
After quite a bit of banging my head against the wall trying to solve it "DIY" style, I sought help from a professional. The guys at Down South Digital Corporation were quick to act. They came to my house the same day I contacted them. The pair of techs that showed up were very well spoken, gracious and most courteous. The service I received was in fact stellar as was the overall experience from initial phone call to my payment for services rendered.
I would personally recommend to anyone that they call on Down South Digital Corporation for any and all of their PC needs, after all, stellar is just that, STELLAR!
Anyway, here goes. My PC came with 'McAfee Total Protection' Security Center antivirus but after realizing I had acquired a problem (virus) in spite of said protection, I figured it to be best if I found a better product.
Through much research, I decided on going with 'Kaspersky Pure'. I must admit, the Kaspersky product was by far superior to the McAfee and removed a plethora of unwanted malware etc, but I soon discovered that it too had failed to completely resolve/remove my issue being it was still freezing up and giving me blue screen at times.
After quite a bit of banging my head against the wall trying to solve it "DIY" style, I sought help from a professional. The guys at Down South Digital Corporation were quick to act. They came to my house the same day I contacted them. The pair of techs that showed up were very well spoken, gracious and most courteous. The service I received was in fact stellar as was the overall experience from initial phone call to my payment for services rendered.
I would personally recommend to anyone that they call on Down South Digital Corporation for any and all of their PC needs, after all, stellar is just that, STELLAR!
An Instance of Bigotry and Reverse Discrimination
*DISCLAIMER* This has nothing to do with "my" personal stance on the subject, I could care less what people do, to each his own. BUT, what's fair is fair.
Whether or not one was to agree with the standpoint of the Chik-Fil-A CEO or not..
A very striking and excellent point does arise.
["Is it fair to block business based on a belief or comment of the CEO when it IS in fact his First Amendment Right to say how he 'feels'?]
A very striking and excellent point does arise.
["Is it fair to block business based on a belief or comment of the CEO when it IS in fact his First Amendment Right to say how he 'feels'?]
Seeing as Chik-Fil-A is being blocked by multiple cities based on the CEO saying he "DID NOT" approve of gay marriage while those same cities are not stopping any openly gay businesses from operating.
*POINT*: It would be the same as if a city/political entity said someone couldn't open a business because they said they DID approve of gay marriage. It's the same violation of rights, someone is being denied the right to operate a business based on how they feel about gay marriage which is complete horseshit (go read the US Constitution if you have issue with my statement). I DARE ANYBODY to challenge that FACT.
In the name of being impartial/non-biased and fair, what's good for one SHOULD be good for the other. If people can say they want to be gay and still have a business, then people who say they don't want to be gay should be able to have a business as well.
Regardless of what someone's individual preference is, things need to stay level and fair. It's the biased bigotry that people constantly bitch about yet them bitching about it is biased and bigoted in itself. When will the BULLSHIT end people? The world is SOOOO much bigger than just "your shit", so as we fix what one crybaby is bitching about, in turn we begin causation of the next crybaby's bullshit. A vicious and unending cycle of pure bigotry, intolerance and hate. GET OVER IT YOU WHINY-ASS BITCHES.. Hating others for hating you is still hate. Bunch of haters..
©2012_Sean✗Elliott✗H.®™
Thursday, July 26, 2012
"Potent Quotables For $1,000 Alex"
Seeing as this is my first entry into this blog, I figured I'd start by sharing some interesting quotes, (all from the same person), that I accidentally tripped over while in the midst of a Google search.
Now, the main issue is obviously the content and the source, but there is another pertinent aspect to these [quotes/thoughts/ideals/beliefs/etc] that gives rise to a very strikingly profound question, and that question is: "what large group of powerful and influential people seems to share this person's same standpoint(s) on the same (or very similar) issues"?
*Spoiler Alert* I will obviously include the source of the quotes so it will be known, but reading and digesting all but the last one before going further and discovering the name is a much better way to go about it.
Of course, some readers will already know who in fact it is, and others will be unable to resist the temptation to look down [cheat].
1] "The leader of genius must have the ability to make different opponents appear as if they belonged to one category"
2] "Through clever and constant application of propaganda, people can be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way round, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise"
3] "What good fortune for governments that the people do not think"
4] "Mankind has grown strong in eternal struggles and it will only perish through eternal peace"
5] "The art of leadership... consists in consolidating the attention of the people against a single adversary and taking care that nothing will split up that attention"
6] "The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force"
7] "Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it and eventually they will believe it"
8] "Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future"
9] "The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than a small one"
10] "The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to permit the conquered Eastern peoples to have arms. History teaches that all conquerors who have allowed their subject races to carry arms have prepared their own downfall by doing so
11] "The application of force alone, without support based on a spiritual concept, can never bring about the destruction of an idea or arrest the propagation of it, unless one is ready and able to ruthlessly exterminate the last upholders of that idea, even to a man, and also wipe out any tradition which it may tend to leave behind"
So as to avoid any confusion, 'here' is where one would pause to reflect and then read each quote again for further retention and interpretation of the information, hopefully thinking to one's self that these quotes sound strikingly familiar to basic US Government policy making and to the Government's overall thoughts and beliefs. It could be easily argued that the similarities are a bit [#TooCloseForComfort]!
Ok, now that you've gotten to this point.. Here is my last Adolf Hitler quote and this one is giving his take on the electoral process (which I agree with this wholeheartedly).
12] "Sooner will a camel pass through a needle's eye than a great man be discovered by an election"
Thanks for reading,
©2012_Sean✗Elliott✗H.
[this blog is 100% Made In America & Patriotic, POWER TO "WE THE PEOPLE"!]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)